update this thing more?
well erm let's see.
me and the boy i was crying over are fine now. very happy actually.
we make a cuteass couple. be jealous.

school's starting soon.
senior year and all that jazz.
i'm excited and terrified all at once.

i'd still nail the joker.

still working on a job and a car.
it will all work itself out though. :D

cheers y'all.
xo.

here's hoping tonight works out.

but i am happy.
thank you for coming home.
i love you.

he is my hurricane.
chronic sore and burning eyes.
dark circles being worn like a badge of fucked up honor.
there's a giant hole in my chest.
i'll claw at it when i'm not paying attention.
that's a dangerous sign.
because i totally need ANOTHER condition.
sometimes the pain knocks me to my knees like
i've been hit in the stomach with a bat and
i'm gasping for air and i cant get back
up again. so i wait.
three weeks and counting.
somehow i don't think youre hurting anywhere as much as me.
i don't think you are at all.
s'okay. i'm not worth it.
i keep reaching out for hugs and hands because
it's the confirmation that i'm still alive.
physically anyway.
hope is dragging me along and i'm kicking and screaming
the whole way because i don't want to hope.
i dont want to care. let go of me.
he did.
i sleep with my mouth covered so my nightmares
wont wake the house up again.
i want my comet back.
i'm slipping.
no xo.

magnet.
he needs a space.
he wants a break.
lucky you, you've missed all of the screaming and sobbing and tears and
hyperventalation and me being sick.
now i'm becoming numb.
deliciously numb.
on a scale of one to ten, regarding me not seeing this coming?
seven hundred.
i'm not even mad. i can't be mad.
stop telling me he's an asshole.
not helping. i'm just protesting on the inside.
but if you've got a pistol and one hell of a grudge, stop on by.
worst part?
i can't even stop hoping.
i can't stop hoping that somethings just wrong.
because this feels off. all of it just feels wrong and off.

stop hoping yelena.
see what it gets you?

god i forgot just how much this hurts.
physically too. i feel like a hospital patient.
bye bye living.
hello existing. 

postsecret.
whyamialwayssolonelyatnight?
i want to sleep. not that it counts for much.
seventeen in one week. have no idea what i'm doing for it [or regarding anything really].
meh.
sweeney todd was amazing, idgaf what anyone says.

Patrick Stump?
Law & Order, Jan 2nd, o rly?
It was only a ten second clip, but it was ten seconds of AWESOME.
I mean, I squealed out loud. I don't usually squeal out loud like that.
I just...GUH. PATWIIIIICK. *smushes him*
I want him to be guilty, and have this whole scene where he turns into a little ginger hurricane and is like "YEAH I DID IT. HE HAD IT COMING..." then a bunch of women come out and they do the Cell Block Tango...
Jesus let me be HIS cellmate.
I mean, WHUT?!

different topic.
i leave saturday morning.
he better call me. or i'll be one upset/sad girl.
somethings up, idk what yet though.
*sighs sadly*

dear mind,
shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
dear fall out boy.
i want to be there so bad. i hate my dad.
i fucking miss you. i miss being home.
please don't stay away too long. please?
love (more than you know),
yelena. who you don't really remember, but.

just so you know?
everyone knows about you and patrick. not that i'm upset, but.
i mean dude.
straight male tattoo artists are aware.
ones that you have never worked with.
in VEGAS.
who aren't even into your band.
WE ACCEPT IT. COME OUT ALREADY.
cheers hun. cant wait to see you.
love,
a fan. :]

because most of my friends don't seem to get it.
so i made a list. because that's what i fucking do. :]

one: i love the bands/video games/books.
two: i have this thing with overloving things. and putting all of that love/obsession/fucking whatever into fandoms is so much safer for everyone else. and me. fandoms don't break your heart you see.
three: they're full of chaos and love and hilarity and ~drama. in other words, you're never bored.
four: so many of these people are made of sunshine and win.
five: so many of these people are made of hailstorms and fail. we laugh at those. hard.
six: macros. because i have laughed so hard i couldn't even get help. i thought i was going to die on my own floor many times.
seven: fanfiction. some of the best stories i have ever read were fanfics. and it's a good way to write.
eight: picspams. posts full of fantastical, adorable, awesome, delicious pictures. like this one of patrick stump (who is just a bunch of NGHHHH in jeans and a hat) done by shrift . IT IS FULL OF WIN.
nine: the ridic amount of shenanigans. really. it's unfair. (sup goodnight moon?)

kaybyebye now. :]

dad. :]
no matter how much older i get, and how much you drive me nuts.
and how much i wish for college to get here
i love you very much. and i will always be your little girl.

dear my chem,
RELEASE MAMA. LIKE NOW. please. :]
and come back to vegas. i miss you so.
love, me

dear boy,
call me. i miss you so much already.
i'm severely fucked without the safeword on this one.
love (damnit), me.

dear me,
get a grip already. get your mind in order.
for once in my life. ONCE?
keep wishing though, doing good there.
um, me.

dear fate,
don't give up on me yet. please.
11:11 wish on 11/11 has to be pretty good doesn't it?
hopelessly hopeful, me.

rant. and cry. lots of that.
okay so um. my parents were going to be out of town all weekend right?
kay great. so i was going to spend it with my boy (he isn't but, you get my point.) instead.
oooh bad me, how sneaky blah blah.
and i was excited. at like, ridiculous levels. because i kinda love him. and miss him. like to the point of pain. and so i was finally going to be able to just be with him. i was going to hug him and show him my house and eat ice cream and talk and tell him i love him to his face and things that are a sprinkle of explicit and laugh and kiss him goodnight.
and now i can't do any of it, because i will no longer be home alone.
and part of me wants to jump. i know it's not the end of the world, but...i'm trying to explain how much i miss him and how much this meant to me but i can't.
the words won't come.
hey fate-i am not amused.
at all. and my eyes are sore from crying.

NaNoWriMo has begun!
Are you in on it?
I ammmm. :]

i'm home.
well, once i see him anyway.
that's the real final test.
if he feels like home.
everything else fits.
he looks the part, sounds the part.
please god let this be home.
let him be home.

my story of last nights concert.
sleeping with giants tour, sherwood, the rocket summer, armor for sleep and THE ACADEMY IS...

last night will make me smile for ages.
god i love tai. :]

September 23, 2007

My friend Cassie and I arrive at the venue at ten am, and there’s already a girl there with her mom, who had been there since eight am.

Not competing with that.

So after I text everyone to let them know I arrived, we wander around on a bus hunt, starting with the underground garage.

Let me explain the venue: Jillian’s is set in this sort of cul-de-sac looking thing, that’s tied to a movie theatre. In the center is a lot of open space, and elevators, which lead to the underground parking garage. Jillian’s is a venue/arcade/sports bar/restaurant thing. It holds no more than a thousand people, and that’s if you’re seriously pushing it.

I fucking LOVE Jillian’s. Back to the story.

So we’re wandering around the parking garage and trying to see if a bus could even FIT under there, when a lady getting into her car asks us if we’re lost. We’re polite and cute and say that we’re fine, just trying to see if a bus could fit under here. She laughs and says, “You mean like the ones out by the loading dock? I’m the owner of the place.” We stare at her and she laughs again and takes us back there. By this point, I’m freaking a little. Because OMFG NOW? So we get back there and we’re talking to the bus driver and we just casually turn to look at the buses and William is looking back at us.

I wave and he smiles a little and waves back. He looked all sleepy and messy haired, it was kinda cute. Well, we decided to let him wake up first, so we went back to the line.

We mulled around for about an hour before deciding that we were hungry, so we went inside for fries. As soon as we sit down, who walks in?

Tony and William, aka BILL SIGHTING #2. They’re hungry too apparently. So they sit down with some guys from other bands, and some friends, less than fifteen feet away, and I didn’t want to bother them because:

A) They were all with friends and stuff.

B) They were about to eat, and they could all use a few good meals, seriously.

C) The game was on, and I was watching. Football that is. (GO PATRIOTS AND COLTS.)

So we finish eating and watch the game. AND GUYS FOR THE RECORD WILLIAM EATS FOR TWO. LIKE WTF. I GAIN WEIGHT FROM JUICE.

But I digress. So he gets up to leave and stops and smiles and we smile back and he says, “See you guys later!” And I answer, “Okay, bye!” Because I feel like this is not going to be the last time, seriously.

I was right.

So he wanders off to play tourist. And we get back in line, and by now there’s more people there. Now this is bad news.

GUYS I AM SO SORRY BUT WHILE I WAS IN THERE BEING A DUDE AND WATCHING FOOTBALL, THE SIGNS LITERALLY BLEW AWAY. ALL FIVE. We searched around for them, but no luck. They were apparently long gone. :[

I’m super sorry guys, really. I felt so bad, still do. I said I would.

So after I like half-cried, we mulled around talking to other fans and the Butcher appears. This was funny because one of the girls was just talking about him, and poof! He appears. So we started cracking up and he paused and looked confused but then went in the venue. Then we all felt bad because we wondered if he thought we were laughing AT him. It was just the timing that was funny. Aww.

There are flashes of Carden and Sisky, but they all looked busy so. I was arguing with my friend about going inside and playing air hockey when my new friend Maria comes over and tells me that Chislett, the Butcher, and Sisky are inside playing video games.

Well, that decided it. So we went inside and they were racing each other in some cool car game. It was the cutest looking picture ever and I’m so mad I left my phone outside. Chislett was confused because his stick shift wasn’t working right and I was just like “BLESS THEIR HEARTS.” So they looked over and smiled and I smiled and waved back and was going to ask them if they wanted to play air hockey but they were dragged away for soundcheck.

FUCK.

So I played that car racing game because it looked pretty sweet, then William came tearing around the corner and glanced back, grinned and kept going.

SIGHTING THREE. ACTUALLY FOUR BECAUSE WHEN I CAME IN HE WAS OVER AT THE BAR. I’M TOO YOUNG, SO I COULDN’T GO. Bleh.

So everyone was shoo’ed out for the soundcheck but we could hear it, so we all sang along anyway.

Fast forward to five PM, aka twenty minutes of “OMFG WHERE’S JACK?!”

Five arrives and I’m all excited and nervous because this is when I meet Jack and get all the M&G info and I’m just a big ball of jr893urjjfkl;afkjl;as.

Five PM. No Jack, but seriously, he doesn’t have to be right on time.

5:05. No Jack, but still doesn’t have to be right on time.

5:10. Dude he’s a busy guy.

5:15. Uhm…

5:20. Strange…

5:25. What’s going on? And no one else around me was an SLH so I was just frowning it up.

5:30 DUDE DON’T DO THIS TO ME I HAVE TWO BASKETS AND NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON.

5:33: Jack arrives. I remember how to breathe.

And right before he appeared, these girls had made a sign that said “Where’s Jack the Camera Guy?” Then he shows up. So we crowd him and say hi and chat and he tells us that he’ll be coming down the line. I ask for a hug and get one. I’m all giddy and get back in line. He checks me off first and tells me to meet him over at the merch booth at 7:30. I felt bad for my friend Cassie because she couldn’t come with me, and it’s members of SLH only. So we get in there and I have my baskets checked, and we get barrier which is amazing. At 7 Sherwood takes the stage.

And can I just take this moment to say that I am in love. They put on a good show and are precious. AND THEIR KEYBOARDIST IS SO FUCKING CUTE IN THE GEEKY SORT OF WAY AND HE WAS SO INTO IT. I WANTED TO TAKE HIM HOME IN A BASKET AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

But I digress. So they get off the stage and I am sad, but then I look at my phone and it’s 7:29. Time to head to the merch booth.

Oh damn.

So Jack takes us up to what is usually a room they hold parties in and explains how the M&G is going to go, very casual, all that jazz.

I decide the time is now to unveil the juice. I do and tell him that things should be fine because he has juice now and he laughs for a while and tells me how hilarious and awesome that is.

I am all aglow.

He grabs a juice box. After drinking some, he asks:

“Are these like 20% juice?”

“Ten.”

“Ah yeah. Good stuff, it’s been a while.”

“That’s what I said when I bought them!”

And because we are all facing Jack, the boys just come up behind us. Jack warned us that that was going to happen.

So I meet Adam first and I smile and we shake hands and I ask him to sign my poster. It was the “Wanted” one with all their pictures on it. Picture later. He looks at Mike’s photo and he’s says, “Isn’t that an amazing picture?” I laugh and agree, and he writes next to it, “Sweet pic.”

I die laughing.

Then we take a picture together and I thank him for the fifth time and ask him if they’re playing ‘unexpected places.’ He says no and I aww, because I love that song. He says that they wanted to play it, but they wanted a good balance between albums and I asked about 40 Steps and he said yes and I jumped and he laughed. I wave goodbye and make my way over to Chislett. He smiles and says hi and something in me is clicking it’s heels at how Australian the boy is and I ask him to sign my poster and he agrees. He looked up and noticed the baskets and just said “Hey, cookies!” And I told him I brought them and he smiled and thanked me and I’M NOT SURE HOW MANY MORE SMILES I CAN TAKE AT THIS POINT. I AM DYING. So I get a picture and thank him and turn back around to see the Butcher eating a brownie and reaching for a juicebox.

I had no words. Still don’t.

I asked him if the brownies were good and he smiled and said they were and I exhaled in relief and explained that I brought them. He thanks me and I admit that I was scared that they weren’t going to like them. He picks up a cookie and smiles and says that he loved them already. Then he gets an orange hi-c juicebox and says that they are his favorite.

I am about to flatline from the joy.

He also says it’s been a while, and takes a long drink and ends with a nice “Ahhhhh.” He looked like the perfect advertisement, seriously. I get a picture and ask him to sign my poster and he looks at Sisky’s comment and says, “Who wrote that? Adam?” and I tell him yes and we laugh. So he signs it and waves goodbye. I rotate into William.

It went like this.

Me: This is like the fifth time I’ve seen you today.

Him: *laughing* Yes it is, hello there.

Me: Hi. :] Could you do me a serious favor and talk to my friend? It would mean a lot to her.

Him: Yeah of course. :]

So then I got Meggie on the phone and they talked and I got my picture and waved goodbye.

Carden time. He smiles and says hello and we shake hands and I tell him my name. I ask him if he wants a juicebox and he’s just like “Totally!” and grabs one. He tells me it’s been a long time since he’s had one-

AND I’M DYING BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS SAID THAT. I BRING BACK GOOD CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, OBV.

But he leans in like he’s telling me a secret and says that it’s awesome and he’s always been one to roll with the punches.

I got nothing on how funny that was to me.

So we take a picture and I ask him to sign my poster and he looks at it and goes “Who wrote that? Sisky?” And he looks up and gives him the dirtiest look and I am going to need oxygen because everyone just seems to already know. So then we get ready for the group picture and I see Mike and Jack talking about using this colorful community background as if it were a masterpiece and they ask me what I think. I look at it AND DIE BECAUSE I THINK OF TAITOWN. And I say that and they look at me like that is seriously familiar to them.

GUYS, IT HAS BEGUN.

So we get over there, and Chislett tells me that this part is always kinda funny because people shuffle around trying to figure out where to pose. He’s standing on the couch and tells me to, because then we’re taller than everyone else.

I LOVE THIS MAN.

So I stand up there next to him. We do a goofy pose and then a smiling one, and the boys thank us and we all wave goodbye, but I ask Sisky for a hug because duh, I forgot.

So then I get a picture with Jack and tell him goodbye and go back down into the pit.

I am beyond joy. That was so much FUN.

Only through dark magic am I able to navigate my way back to the barrier. Guys TAI were incredible, seriously. I can’t put it into words. If you are even half-assedly considering going to this tour, GO. You won’t regret it, promise. Highlights of the set:

-Smiles of recognition

-During LAX, William goes over and says “the evening news with MGC.” I cracked up.

-Getting a pick from Sisky

-Chislett personally leaning over and giving a girl a pick because he tossed one to her and she caught it, but some girl snatched it out of her hand. How sweet is that?

-During Bulls In Brooklyn things got interesting. Okay so security was a douche who wasn’t watching anything, and this girl was crowdsurfing and she got to the barrier and was falling over and Mike LITERALLY JUMPED OFFSTAGE TO CATCH HER. I WAS MOVED. So then security waddles over late, and gets to her and Mike’s back onstage and he’s PISSED. HE WAS SHOUTING AT THE GUARD TO “DO HIS FUCKING JOB” and to “WATCH THEM.” William was pissed too and arguing and the security looked ready to hit one of them and if he would’ve so help me Jesus. I was ready to leap over that thing, lmfao.

IDC if he’s like five times my size. Homie would’ve gone down.

But he ended up just getting the girl out and the song continued. But when it ended William said that he had an important thing to say, so we all shut the fuck up. And he told us to please be careful while we’re surfing and to try and help each other. And then Mike cut in and said “Actually guys, don’t do it at all tonight. This guy’s obviously not doing his job and we don’t want you getting hurt.” Then William added that he wasn’t strong enough to catch all of us, but he could try.

My heart’s all melty at this point. Like really, fucking aww.

-Jack passing out water.

-They told us to go see Superbad. Like they are a walking advertisement. I was bent over laughing. Christina, they are going to LOVE YOU.

I got a lot of lame pictures with my camera phone and some video with horrible sound. But it was epic honestly. My voice was shot and my ears were ringing and 40 Steps made me tear up. It was everything I wanted, it felt like home. I was so inexpressibly happy.

After the show, I got a huge surprise because the Butcher hopped down to personally give out his drumsticks and he looked at me and gave me one, and made sure I had it and said “Thank you so much.”

I was going to fucking cry, lmfao.

So the show ends, and a techie gives me a setlist that I had asked for before the show and I am clinging to my treasures and all I kept repeating was “I can die now.”

After getting a giant bottle of green tea I came home around midnight and passed out. Now here I am.

I already miss them so hard.
OH AND JACK MENTIONED MY JUICE BASKET ON THE TAI LJ. SUP INTERWEB FIVE SECONDS OF FAME?

but i've got an awful lot weighing it down.
i guess that door is really locked, isn't it?
this year's going to be ridiculously hard.
i'll manage, i always seem to somehow.

i don't think i'll ever be enough for anyone.
just the perfect piece for your puzzle.
i'm no one's other half, the one anyone else would die for.
i'm never the one they look around for,
the one you notice when she's gone missing.
why? what's so horribly wrong with me?

i can go on about my flaws for days, i seriously can.
but it makes me wonder...does the world see me the way i do?
does everyone think i'm a headache and a waste of time?

how can you tell me to never beat myself up, when you do it nearly everytime i pass by?

michael james way.
iloveyou. please be home for good.

sleep is a precious thing kids. cherish every minute.

three ap classes.
i'm going to DIE, hahaha.
ehhh well. i'll go in style. :]

for finally starting to get into elljay.
pretty sweet, imo.

will you be able to tell me you're sorry with a straight face?
probably not.
call off your bets on me,
i'm a guaranteed waste of your money and time.

after a while you notice,
that everyone has a fucking motive.
almost everyone seems to want something from me.
but never just me.
although i'm not sure why you'd want me either.
point taken.

i'm still carrying my atlas complex
and i'm afraid to put it down.

so far it seems like i was put here to be a good friend,
the listener, the one who understands.
the one who doesn't judge.
i'm either awesome or strange or both.
...what a fucked up niche.

i still don't feel it when people say nice things about me.
please try again, there's an error in your data.
status: disbelieving.

your shows are my home.
i turn you up to tune everything else out.
thank you for drying me eyes,
for calming me down,
for singing me to to sleep,
for making me laugh and giving me hope.
for being the thing to never let me down.
for reminding me that i can always get up when i've been knocked down.
when i say i love you, i mean it with everything i am.
i'll always have something, won't i?

i'm not sure if i'll ever stop comparing myself to everyone else around me.

i either stand out in the worst ways,
or blend in the best.
not a big fan of either to tell you the truth.

i've given up on you,
but not on everything.

"yes piglet?"
"nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you."

then again, i've always loved winnie the pooh. :]
makes me want to go play kh.