YEAAAAHHH BAYBAY. SAINTS V COLTS SUPERBOWL.
ALL THE HATERS CAN SUCK ON IT. SUCK. ON. IT.

i'm so happy and proud seriously. it's our first one! baby's first superbowl and all that. i really hope we win though, even though the colts are def one of my top three teams. i won't be devastated if we lose, but i will be disappointed. LET BREESUS LEAD US ONTO OUR FIRST SUPERBOWL VICTORY! AMEN. i watched the game downstairs in our common room, with a bunch of boys of course. i was the only saints fan and only girl so it was an interesting game haha. i think some of them thought i was cool, but i scared them away when i lost my shit after we scored that final field goal in overtime. ...oops. shame too, i was hoping for more male friends. i miss the testosterone. ah well!

the boy is giving me headaches, that i will admit. he's freaking out about us and it'd be totally cute if he weren't such a dick about it at times. he's been very angry and distant over the last week, and he FINALLY explained wtf he had been smoking. he's not used to anything lasting this long, and the fact that we seem to be the end of all for each other scares him a little. which i can relate too. it's weird being so young and meeting someone that you know you want around for the rest of your life. that you want to be with for the rest of your life. so his tactic (like that of so many others) is to push me away before i walk away and he gets hurt. he realized that this was idiotic and now he's going to work against it. it's hard breaking a habit he's had since he was a little boy, so i guess i can understand that.

i have issues with it too. that's why i deny everything. if he doesn't want me around, doesn't love me, doesn't want me to be happy then if/when that day comes that he just says "FUCK U BAI" and leaves, it doesn't hurt nearly as much. don't get my hopes up and all that jazz. so it's really going to be an effort for both of us, but as long as we both fight for it we'll be okay i hope. it's hilarious because we're not dating. like, we really aren't. do we act like it? frequently. but being so far away for another six months or so and both of us having so much of our shit to get together, it's too much to be locked into a relationship right now. it just is. we don't want to fuck us up, this is way too damn important. so we're friends if a label is required, which i'm honestly content with.

for the record, i know that i'm only nineteen, too young, don't know wtf love is, blah blah fucking blah. i really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks because this relationship is no one else's business. it's just not. no one understands what we've been through together, and the countless ways we've kept each other going all these years. there's been countless days where the only reason we even bothered getting out of bed was each other. yes, we've dated before and broke up, dated other people. but we keep coming back together, even if we really TRY to get away from each other. and we're just a lot happier and at peace when we're together. he's my home and my light, and he has been for going on five years now. and hopefully it goes on for fifty more.

but i'm also a realist. things don't work out sometimes, often actually. i hope so hard it hurts that we make it, even though the odds are against us. but i'm not going to go into this expecting us to fail, that's stupid and all that does is get you failure. so i'm going to have hope. and work at this. and hopefully we can grow both as individuals and with each other.

just food for thought.

happy birthday to me,
happy birthday dear yelena,
happy birthday to me!

i'm finally nineteen. how odd. it's my final teen year, not sure how i feel about that.

classes started today, but none of them were bad.
we'll see how tomorrow goes!

i'm blown away by all the birthday wishes! i thought no one would remember/care, save for maybe two people. i've gotten about 30 so far. don't i feel all content and special. :] wish some place sold cupcakes, yum. not planning on doing much today, but that's fine. i'm really going to do it up for my 21st birthday. right now? just hanging out and enjoying the day.

finally set up a new account, this time with a credit union. so we'll see how this one turns out. BITE ME CHASE. now i just have to compile all my moneys and pay for my spring break vaycay. stoked? very much so. i still can't believe i pulled it all off, that i didn't really have to well, lie about anything to my dad. he totally supports my going to alaska.  as long as travis doesn't throw a dozen new curve balls into the mix, all will be well.

DON'T THROW CURVE BALLS BOY.

note to self, must go to the gym tomorrow. okay? okay.
bye bye for now.

regarding the whole conan v leno thing?
in the words of a hilar ontd-er:

FUCK THAT CHIN.

TEAM CONAN FOR LIFE.

he's amazing, classy, sweet, hilarious, sexy.
YEAH I SAID IT. SEXY. I'D HIT THAT.

anyhow.
ilu coco, and i'm so sorry this is happening.
i hope he does get another show, he's too good to stop rn. :[

fuck vegas. seriously. everyone keep being too busy with your own lives. whatever.
i'm in such a shit mood right now, and i hope it's just pms.
but seriously? it's like no one's even trying. LOL IDK WHY I'M UPSET, NO ONE EVER DOES LOL DUH.
let's break it down:
ryan- ex who acts like i have leprosy whenever we're together. and makes the world drown in awkwardness. cool.
alex- he's actually not that bad. we hung out and that was fun. milo is soooo cuuuute. :]
patrick- goes everywhere and doesn't invite me. I FEEL AWESOME, THANKS.
travis- gone already. ;___; i saw him three times before he left though. THREE. that's way more than i've seen everyone else, combined if i add up all the time we spent together. i miss my boy. i can't wait to see him again.
kelsey- flake. ugh.

whatever, i'm ready to go to reno and have my last semester and go to alaska and leave all this behind. i can't believe i tried to stay so hard for this shit.

PS. THANKS EVERYONE FOR NOT INVITING ME PLACES JUST BECAUSE RYAN'S GOING TO BE THERE. HAVE FUN HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME! GLAD WE GOT THOSE NASTY PRIORITIES IN LINE!

bye.

okay, so. happy new year and all that jazz. :D

typical new year's resolutions post:
1) Lose weight. For real girl.
2) Get my driver’s license, and a car. I refuse to turn 20 without both.
3) Get myself together and show what I can really do.
4) Be much more active.
5) Go to college where I’ll be happy, no matter what anyone says.
6) JOB. GOOD ONE.
7) Be better with money, learn management.
8) Don’t procrastinate so much.
9) Don’t carry everyone’s baggage so much, all it does is hurt my heart.
10) Breathe.

Tadummm. Hopefully everything will work out just fine. I'm looking at different diets and such rn. I need a job though, because I really want to go to Alaska for Spring Break. I promised. I hope I can get guest housing, it'd be easier!
I have to talk to my dad about all of this though. *gulps* My sister's coming, maybe she can help me? We'll just have to see.

countdown to my birthday has begun- 18 days until i'm 19. (da dum, tshhh.)

finals are over and i'm home. thank god.
for the finals being over part, not the being home part.
i still feel awkward and weird here, but hopefully that will get better.
it was awesome seeing travis two days in a row.
it made me beyond happy.

now he's gone to california, then to alaska.
i need to go visit during spring break.
i really hope that i won't hate it, because i want to go there for college next fall.

that sounds batshit to basc everyone, but i don't care.

it's weird graduating high school and then going back for a visit.
it was wonderful to see everyone and talk to momma though, very fun.

all i have to do now is see patrick and i will be complete.
i miss him. :/

math was a pain in my ass.
i'm still trying to turn in as much makeup homework as i possibly can.

english was much better.
i got to write about the dark knight and why batman shouldn't kill the joker.
:D

also, i wrote a quick short story for english class extra credit. five pages to boost a letter grade. ^^ i hope she likes it, i'm oddly proud of it considering i wrote it in two hours.

i fell in the snow. right on my ass. yet i somehow managed to hit my left hip and scrape the shit out of my right knee. i'm a talented bitch.

( shitty quickie story here )

study for math.
hate myself for it.
go grab my letter from my mom, i hope it's here.
study for math.
hate myself for it.
order my plane tickets.
study for math.
hate myself for it.
write a 2-3 page short story for english extra credit (this one i'm excited about.)
go grab few more groceries and mayhaps some boots.
study for math.
hate myself for it.
sleep.

...sounds like a party to me y'all!

finals week blows.
i am shit at studying.

also, my dorm neighbors might die before the week is over.
24 HOUR QUIET MEANS 24 HOUR QUIET I'LL STAB YOU.

it's also like four degrees outside.
at this point, i might as well move to alaska-fuck it.

also, i hope my laundry money gets here soon.
i ran out of clean jeans two days ago... *coughs*

i wanna redo my profile, but i'm shit at websites and making things pretty.

meh, i'll figure it out i suppose.

fot:

it's okayyyy giiiirrrllll...
yeah i know. i'm so cool dancing around to usher in my underwear and an oversized hoodie.
whatever, no one's watching. (i hope).

so i'm home and idk if my hormones are out of whack or what, but eh.
i've been in a bleh mood since i got here.
i don't feel like i fit in here (shocking, i know) and i want to see my friends.

and i have to wait till saturday to see him which BLOWS.
not far now though.

in the meantime, i'll just deal with the bitchy!dad, evil!stepmom, and psycho!mom.

fan-fucking-tastic y'all.

i have a fondness for causing myself pain.
for my psych 101 class, we are to choose a topic, and write on said topic. we can pick anything that will be discussed this semester.
so what do i pick?

schizophrenia. like a stupid bitch.
like this is going to be painful to write about AT ALL.
like my mother doesn't have it and watching her with it scared the hell out of me.
like that shit didn't affect me at all.
like i'm not terrified I'M going to have it.
like the idea doesn't make me want to curl up and sob my little heart out.

i haven't written the fucking paper yet. i can choose another topic.
i don't know why i refuse to.

i wish i could talk to you about this. i kinda really need you right now.
but your sleep is much more important.
no sarcasm, i'm serious.
ugh.

so it's what, 4:20 or some shit. and i'm awake as a mother fucker.
i've been dancing my ass off to michael jackson for like, two hours now.
just downloaded the soundtrack for 'this is it' too.

...i really miss him. there's a lot of tears in all this sexy ass shaking i'm doing.
anyone who talks shit can SUCK MY METAPHORICAL DICK. BALLS DEEP.

he was an icon, a son, a brother, a father, a friend, an amazing soul.
i'm so going to see 'this is it' this week. idgaf if i have to go alone.

i WILL.



ps. pretend you love someone, someone in the same state but a different city. they're your entire world and they feel the same. it's been this way for three years now. you're young. they have an opportunity to do what they want and be happy, catch 22 is that they have to move far away. being apart is making both of you sad, longing. you don't love where you are now, and can still follow your dreams if you move where they are going. leaving means going somewhere you've never been, and you're kinda scared. do you go?

motivate me to go to class?
i go to english, psych, french.
i do NOT go to math and philosophy lately.
i just don't feel like it.

...this is shameful.
math i'm just teaching myself, but fuck it cause i have an a.

i actually like philosophy though. at least FUCKING with people in my philosophy class.
and my teacher's a nice guy. :/

oh and i should probably stop blowing everyone off to talk to my best friend/love of my life.

it's an idea.

i've said before that i was going to start using this thing more, but have yet to do so.

however, i've decided that talk is cheap, love don't pay the bills, etc.
so i'm going to write in here again.

not necessarily the same way i once did, but just to talk and say things i wish i could say everywhere.

that being said...

guys are stupid. college is okay. i miss him more than i miss everyone else put together.

update this thing more?
well erm let's see.
me and the boy i was crying over are fine now. very happy actually.
we make a cuteass couple. be jealous.

school's starting soon.
senior year and all that jazz.
i'm excited and terrified all at once.

i'd still nail the joker.

still working on a job and a car.
it will all work itself out though. :D

cheers y'all.
xo.

here's hoping tonight works out.

but i am happy.
thank you for coming home.
i love you.

he is my hurricane.
chronic sore and burning eyes.
dark circles being worn like a badge of fucked up honor.
there's a giant hole in my chest.
i'll claw at it when i'm not paying attention.
that's a dangerous sign.
because i totally need ANOTHER condition.
sometimes the pain knocks me to my knees like
i've been hit in the stomach with a bat and
i'm gasping for air and i cant get back
up again. so i wait.
three weeks and counting.
somehow i don't think youre hurting anywhere as much as me.
i don't think you are at all.
s'okay. i'm not worth it.
i keep reaching out for hugs and hands because
it's the confirmation that i'm still alive.
physically anyway.
hope is dragging me along and i'm kicking and screaming
the whole way because i don't want to hope.
i dont want to care. let go of me.
he did.
i sleep with my mouth covered so my nightmares
wont wake the house up again.
i want my comet back.
i'm slipping.
no xo.

magnet.
he needs a space.
he wants a break.
lucky you, you've missed all of the screaming and sobbing and tears and
hyperventalation and me being sick.
now i'm becoming numb.
deliciously numb.
on a scale of one to ten, regarding me not seeing this coming?
seven hundred.
i'm not even mad. i can't be mad.
stop telling me he's an asshole.
not helping. i'm just protesting on the inside.
but if you've got a pistol and one hell of a grudge, stop on by.
worst part?
i can't even stop hoping.
i can't stop hoping that somethings just wrong.
because this feels off. all of it just feels wrong and off.

stop hoping yelena.
see what it gets you?

god i forgot just how much this hurts.
physically too. i feel like a hospital patient.
bye bye living.
hello existing. 

postsecret.
whyamialwayssolonelyatnight?
i want to sleep. not that it counts for much.
seventeen in one week. have no idea what i'm doing for it [or regarding anything really].
meh.
sweeney todd was amazing, idgaf what anyone says.